Peter Mace Bush Poet
2012 Australian Bush Poetry Champion
I’m just a simple Aussie bloke, existing day to day.
Enjoy a beer, a bbq, a game of golf to play.
But now my life’s in turmoil, and I’m down to my last cent.
And I blame it all on Vinnies and those two dollars that I spent.
See I thought I’d do the right thing on this the wife’s birthday,
And bought her this here fancy book on what they call Feng Shui.
It only cost two bucks, sat in the bargain bin.
I’d get a card as well, but this was somewhere to begin.
The sales assistant didn’t know to much about Feng Shui.
Knew that it came from China and was just a simple way,
To rearrange your house and home to get a benefit.
Like placing all your furniture so you don’t trip over it.
Well I gave the wife the book, with best wishes for the day,
And much to my surprise, she began reading right away.
She just can’t seem to put it down then starts acting rather strange.
And when she’s only halfway through, she reckons things must change.
See apparently the Chinese say it will improve your life.
Supposed to help with harmony, but god it’s caused some strife.
They say it channels energy, so health and money flow.
The wife she gets right into it, but how was I to know.
It started out quite simple, hardly anything at all.
Down came my football trophys from just inside the hall.
Replaced by all these pictures showing waterfalls and lakes.
This, she said, was just the first of quite a few mistakes.
The bedroom televisions gone, a creeper now grows through,
A damn Feng Shui memorial, enough to make you spew.
I reckon I could have worn it, if she had made a sign.
Especially if the damn thing picked up channel nine.
Then I came home from work and opened the front door,
Tripped over this damn statue there on the entry floor.
The thing stood near a metre high, made from solid brass.
So now I find I’m staring – at this polished dragons arse.
We used to have an open fire, but no that had to go,
For fire destroys the aura, I’m surprised you didn’t know.
So now I sit around freezing on this chinese bamboo seat.
While gazing up at statuetes that throw out stuff all heat.
And then it just gets all to much, she’s half way through the book,
When she rings this Feng Shui master to come and have a look .
I said, “Now hang on dearest I think you’ve lost the plot,
We’re trying to save some money, just in case you have forgot”
I’m sure you all know what came next, the tears and dark despair.
“I really thought you loved me but I see that you don’t care”
The moneys more important than your spouses happiness.
I’m wondering how the hell did I get into this mess.
I know where multicultural, and embrace our neighbours way,
But I’ve really got to draw the line when it comes to this Feng Shui.
Then this guru of the art gets invited by the wife,
You talk about those tragic days that really stuff your life.
He wanders round the house with a queer compass in his hand,
Muttering incantations the wife pretends to understand.
Making these suggestions about what must be done,
While I try to recall – where did I put that gun.
The colour of the walls is wrong ,the doors in the wrong place.
The bathroom drains need covering, and it’s time to replace,
The curtains and the carpet and our brand new front door bell.
And underneath my breath I wished this bloke would go to hell.
The house positions wrong, insists the Feng Shui priest.,
Should have views of breaking waves, and face to the South East.
Now I tried to keep my cool, forced myself to steel my will,
Before I just exploded, we live outside Broken Hill.
The nearest breaking waves are in the Great Australian Bight
By now the wife is crying, “Why can’t you be polite”
And then of course the priest is there, he wipes away the tears,
I see a marriage dying that has lasted thirty years.
Hang on I’m sure the gun is hidden underneath the bed
Wonder where Feng Shui suggests I stick an ounce of lead
The last straw came, I s’pose when I opened up his bill
From there on the relationship really went downhill
I stared in disbelief, I can see the numbers yet,
This would go halfway to pay off Greeces debt
Have you seen what that Feng Shui bastard cost?
Another arguement ensued which of course I lost
Well now I’m all alone in a shack near Boggabri,
While the wife and Mr Lee live just outside Shanghai
One things true about Feng Shui, it does makes the money flow,
Away from this poor bastard, ’cause the wife’s got all the dough.
Now I’m back down at Vinnies, I’m a client now you see,
Help out in the shop and get the odd feed or two for free.
I go through all the books when the boss woman is away,
Scanning for a title, “How to get even with Feng Shui”